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Hi friend. Sometimes I need to go off topic and write a more personal essay here, so if you don’t mind, I’m taking my own stage for a moment. I want to expand on a topic that resonates with me very personally, inspired by this thought: “Your Future Needs You, Your Past Doesn’t”.
These words hit home like crazy, as my mother and her death last summer still hang heavy over me. I can’t make peace with the feelings of pain and sadness, the injustice of it all, even my own guilt that I wasn’t able to really be there for her thanks to Corona. What on earth is wrong with me? It’s been NINE MONTHS. Why does it feel so fresh?
I’ve wondered this more than once over the past months. In fact, I should be happy, she’d want me to enjoy life, I have very positive things to be thankful for, I have a big meeting with my agent next week about my next book! My online class begins in a few weeks and students are signing up, my son is doing better at school, my taxes are (nearly) paid, I lost a few pounds…
Well guess what?
It doesn’t matter when things are great when we have that persistent little negative voice in our heads, that issue we can’t solve, the problem we can’t face, the void we can’t fill.
The voice overrides nearly all of the good things. Even the bevy of online coaches and gurus that chant coach-speak constantly on our ‘grams, dancing and pointing in their REELS to the typical, “Count your blessings”, “Manifest”, “Practice Mindfulness”… well they do little to push the voice away as we strike a match and grab our sage bundle. The best of days can be quickly spoiled the moment we listen to our pain, because listening means we have decided to look back, open the door, and invite it in for a cup of coffee which usually results in binge drinking the liquor cabinet as the voice tends to unravel everything. The losses we’re suffered, what we had to endure, what we escaped. The negative energy from looking to the past seems to create a ball of YUCK inside us, that little negative jerk on our shoulder who taunts us. Experts say to talk about pain, to get it out, to confront it. I agree. But there’s an interesting truth I’ve learned only recently about voices that keep returning and it’s this:
If we have talked about it, if we have dealt with it, yet it’s the leading topic in most of our intimate conversations then we’ve never truly healed it.
It’s still chattering away, knocking, kicking the door at times, waiting for us to let it out and ultimately, to let it go.
I’ve learned from experience (I’m old enough to say that now with confidence) that once we address it and then let the massive ball of negativity and pain go, it heads right towards the edge of the mountain we’re on, and has one destination: the bottom. Before we can stop watching, it turns around with a nasty little grin, throws up the middle finger and bap! Over the hill it goes, rolling, faster and faster, collecting everything on its way, heading towards a major crash. Because once we let it go, we have to address the crash that is coming. Our emotions literally are scrambling trying to figure out what just happened, and that’s when our system almost comes to a grinding halt.
Often that crash means we’ll sleep longer, our homes become cluttered, we grab chips and candy over salads and juice, stop exercising, forget important dates, let stuff go at work, etc. Oh wait, maybe that’s just me. Anyway. Yet, there is hope. There is a happy ending. After the releasing, talking it out, letting go, after the crash, after healing from the crash, that negative ball is truly GONE. We’ll look back from time to time and remember it, but we won’t feel enormous pain, we’ll feel relief and strength from the release that we courageously underwent and came out from, ready to face the future. This is when you really understand these words with greater clarity than ever before:
YOU FUTURE NEEDS YOU. YOUR PAST DOESN’T.
Later today, I have an appointment to talk to someone about my mom, to let the negative energy out and to push it over the mountain. My future needs me. We all have to tell ourselves that. We owe it to ourselves to heal whatever is hurting us.
What do you need to let go? What keeps popping up for you? You can answer this privately of course, but answer it no matter what.
And with that, I will wrap up and wish you a wonderful weekend. Lots of love, lots of healing, and lots of faith that everything, ultimately, will be alright.
Love,
Holly
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